Folks, I would like to share a song with you. I would like to share songs, and stories, and poems, however, I fear that I will not. It's truly strange, how much courage it take to simply share something personal. Sure, i tell anyone who may read this of my day, and of small problems that plauge any person, especially those of the teenage persuasion. But I find it truly difficult to actually share any of my crations. Do i fear that you will hate my work? Maybe, but i think not. its deeper than that. This art I create, is mine. Maybe the only thing of mine that stay completly personal, and i feel a need to guard that. Anywho, the life of chapstick has proceded with little to no suprise, graduation looms ever closer, my birthday passed with very little notice, and as the Selective service website thanked one Mr. Chapstick for registering to protect this great fucking nation, I feel myself sinking into a rut again. Oh well, I'll just do what i do every time this happens. Concentrate more on school and making Merna happy, and just waiting it out. My back is killing me, and my knee id complaning again. At least it's snowing out. I could deal with year-round winter.

Ever hear a baritone accompany himself on a string bass?

The time has come, the chapstick said,
To speak of many things:
Of ships - and schools - and sealing wax-
Of scholarships - and things-
And why the sea is boiling hot-
And and whether I have wings.

School worries me. I want to say that it scares me, but that isn't quite the word for it. It produces a sinking feeling in my gut that tries to defy explanation. And never before has it been stronger.

I would really like to bring this blog up to date with my life since my last post, but I honestly can't remember a damn thing to write about. Even the source of my anxiety(?), a trip up to the college I will be attending this fall, is no source of interest, other then I had a chance to hang out with Mentor again, which was fun. It would probably be better if I could pin down what was bugging me. But the best I can do is explain what it isn't.

Guilt- Despite my mother's constant reminders that they are paying for a large part of my schooling, I refuse to feel bad about the fact. They could decide to not pay, and I would find my own way through, albeit with lots of loans.

Homesickness- Bah. I am confident that I can take care of myself, and even though I do enjoy my life here, I am actually far more excited about getting out on my own a bit more.

Fear of Scholastic failure- Again, I have to give this one a bah. While my grades in high school have not been stellar, my test scores and ACT scores have been very good. I see no problems with classes.

Unsure of degree/Future- Yeah, a bit, but that is a very different, and recognizable feeling. I'm not sure that CompSci is for me, but I know I still have a chance to change that.

So, I end up in the same place, I know what is isn't, but the anxiety remains. Other than that, though, things have been going very well. I just finished "the fountainhead" by Ayn Rand, and it was just as good as "atlas Shrugged" and just as challenging.

My spring-break-that-wasn't is now over, and i have school tmorrow, hopefully more on actual events tomorrow. Maybe.

Still Here.

More on that later.