I must really remember to put these things in my main entry for a day, because otherwise... I dunno. ANYWHO.

While on vacation, I discovered something that everyone needs to do as soon as possible.

Read "Atlas Shrugged" By Ayn Rand. Read it now, and don't complain that its a thousand pages, just do it. Read. Really.

I do read a ton, which might have helped, but a thousand pages isn't really that much.
Most people who saw me reading that book gave me a variety of strange looks, from those who had read it, "Why, isn't it strange that such a young person should be interested in that book?" To those who had obviously at least heard of the book, or had even tried to read it, "How dare that scruffy kid be reading something that I gave up on?" To the people who came right out and said "I would never read something that long" (those made me cry) The whole 4 days I was reading it, I only had one person come up to me and actually comment on the book. He was an even scruffier looking college student, who was only about 3 years older than me, and it was his favorite book. Sweet.

A note to Flash:

Hey, thanks for the support in my entry before last, it's just that sometimes, even though you know these things, you just need to hear them from somebody else, y'know?

Thanks, Han.

Let's establish two things off the bat.

1. I'm feeling MUCH better now, and hope not to drown you in such a torrents of angst again for a while.

2. Bah to Valentines day.

Things with Merna are going well, and despite me being gone for most of it, we managed to actually have an okay V. Day. School was cancelled, but I had to go into my parents office to fix the internet, and had work and play rehearsal afterwards, so we only really got to have lunch together. Because of practice and a mutual dislike of V. Day, we pretty much skipped a date Monday, and went to go see HItch on Tuesday.

It feels strange now, that in just a few months I will be moving up into the Frozen North, and attending school there, but I see reminders of it every day. Hopeless and Helpless have both scored free ride scholarships to Central, making four kids in this little town to get the scholarship, three of whom are close friends. (makes me wish I had applied there) And it looks like The Artist will be shipping out sooner than expected. She is currently planning to go to the International Academy of Art in California, but starting this weekend, her final months of high school will be spent downstate with her father, her mother all but having thrown her from the house. I tried to remind my mother of her offer to allow Artist to live with us for a while, but to no avail.

Oh well,
Obla-di obla-da, right?

Ack, people are coming back from lunch, More later.

AND ITS RAINING!!!!!!!!!!!

I miss winter, can I have it back now?

Fuck off, spring.

With knife in hand.

((I warn you. I am hesitant to post this blog at all. It seems to me that I have been really quite a whiney little bastard in pretty much all of my posts, and this is the motherlode of angst. Tread carefully, and those who are faint of heart, pregnant, or allergic to large doses of angst, should think twice.))

I just can't seem to hold on anymore. I managed to fail my freaking physics exam, and I am still feeling down about the argument with The Artist, which in turn just makes me feel stupid. I can't bring myself to agree with her, and I find myself taking a position kind of like Flash's. I agree that harmful things need to be said sometimes, but it seems to me that people need to matter.

Maybe I'm just hopelessly... something.

Other than physics, my grades are still being kept up, but it just seems that I cant keep a hold of anything anymore, I have no clue what the hell I'm going to do at/about college, except show up. My grandma told me the other day that she would be proud of me if I got a scholarship to MTU. Screw the fact that I got in, that was expected of me. Arr. When I get stressed like this, my memory problems get worse. I just had my iPod 5 minutes ago, and I already cant find it. And I've accidental brought home 3 screwdrivers from work in two weeks. Heh, now I'll be forced to wonder where they are tomorrow, because I wont remember by then. I think I need to start taping notes to myself.

I just feel. I don't really know what I feel, but something needs to be done. Maybe I should get into some better shape, maybe I should start writing again. I just dunno.

Gah, more idiocy.

The last time I remember feeling this down ended pretty badly. I tried to commit suicide, but fortunately botched the attempt. I hate the thought of suicide, or self torture in any way, and I hate/d myself for even thinking of such a thing. Just like now, I didnt really know why I was feeling so down, it was just a thing I couldnt explain.

It's weird, that was nigh on two years ago now, and I haven't mentioned it to a soul till tonight. I dunno, by then time anybody gets to read this, I might have deleted that confession. Fear not, though, I promise that I will not be contemplating anything like that again.

(See? I warned you.)

ty.

And the week was looking up at the beginning. My boss informed me that I was getting a raise, starting this week, which will allow me to purchase that shiny new x800 graphics card I've been drooling over. Happiness continued when I was informed that I didn't have any permanent knee damage, and that I should be skiing again towards the end of the season. Things between Merna and I even going well, and I was looking forward to spending a day with Saint, because we haven't been seeing much of each other lately.

And now I'm an hour into god-only-knows long argument with The Artist, and while we go back and forth, Merna grows more worried that she is the cause. The problem here is, that we long ago drifted away from the original subject of the argument, and now our contradictory views of the Way Things Work are at odds. These unsolvable arguments of differing prospective are especially tiring, I find.

What do you do when there are two different realities?

Reality one: The message that you mean is all that matters. People should know what you mean and understand it. Anything said in jest should be given no weight whatsoever, and arguments between two people should not mean anything to other people. Things are only connected with each other if an effort to connect them is made.

Reality two: The message that you mean is all that matters. But tread carefully, for misinterpretation runs rampant in our world. Jests should be made carefully, for feelings are easily bruised. And everything is connected, if you want it to be or not.

So, any thoughts?