And here I am,
With knife in hand.
((I warn you. I am hesitant to post this blog at all. It seems to me that I have been really quite a whiney little bastard in pretty much all of my posts, and this is the motherlode of angst. Tread carefully, and those who are faint of heart, pregnant, or allergic to large doses of angst, should think twice.))
I just can't seem to hold on anymore. I managed to fail my freaking physics exam, and I am still feeling down about the argument with The Artist, which in turn just makes me feel stupid. I can't bring myself to agree with her, and I find myself taking a position kind of like Flash's. I agree that harmful things need to be said sometimes, but it seems to me that people need to matter.
Maybe I'm just hopelessly... something.
Other than physics, my grades are still being kept up, but it just seems that I cant keep a hold of anything anymore, I have no clue what the hell I'm going to do at/about college, except show up. My grandma told me the other day that she would be proud of me if I got a scholarship to MTU. Screw the fact that I got in, that was expected of me. Arr. When I get stressed like this, my memory problems get worse. I just had my iPod 5 minutes ago, and I already cant find it. And I've accidental brought home 3 screwdrivers from work in two weeks. Heh, now I'll be forced to wonder where they are tomorrow, because I wont remember by then. I think I need to start taping notes to myself.
I just feel. I don't really know what I feel, but something needs to be done. Maybe I should get into some better shape, maybe I should start writing again. I just dunno.
Gah, more idiocy.
The last time I remember feeling this down ended pretty badly. I tried to commit suicide, but fortunately botched the attempt. I hate the thought of suicide, or self torture in any way, and I hate/d myself for even thinking of such a thing. Just like now, I didnt really know why I was feeling so down, it was just a thing I couldnt explain.
It's weird, that was nigh on two years ago now, and I haven't mentioned it to a soul till tonight. I dunno, by then time anybody gets to read this, I might have deleted that confession. Fear not, though, I promise that I will not be contemplating anything like that again.
(See? I warned you.)
ty.
((I warn you. I am hesitant to post this blog at all. It seems to me that I have been really quite a whiney little bastard in pretty much all of my posts, and this is the motherlode of angst. Tread carefully, and those who are faint of heart, pregnant, or allergic to large doses of angst, should think twice.))
I just can't seem to hold on anymore. I managed to fail my freaking physics exam, and I am still feeling down about the argument with The Artist, which in turn just makes me feel stupid. I can't bring myself to agree with her, and I find myself taking a position kind of like Flash's. I agree that harmful things need to be said sometimes, but it seems to me that people need to matter.
Maybe I'm just hopelessly... something.
Other than physics, my grades are still being kept up, but it just seems that I cant keep a hold of anything anymore, I have no clue what the hell I'm going to do at/about college, except show up. My grandma told me the other day that she would be proud of me if I got a scholarship to MTU. Screw the fact that I got in, that was expected of me. Arr. When I get stressed like this, my memory problems get worse. I just had my iPod 5 minutes ago, and I already cant find it. And I've accidental brought home 3 screwdrivers from work in two weeks. Heh, now I'll be forced to wonder where they are tomorrow, because I wont remember by then. I think I need to start taping notes to myself.
I just feel. I don't really know what I feel, but something needs to be done. Maybe I should get into some better shape, maybe I should start writing again. I just dunno.
Gah, more idiocy.
The last time I remember feeling this down ended pretty badly. I tried to commit suicide, but fortunately botched the attempt. I hate the thought of suicide, or self torture in any way, and I hate/d myself for even thinking of such a thing. Just like now, I didnt really know why I was feeling so down, it was just a thing I couldnt explain.
It's weird, that was nigh on two years ago now, and I haven't mentioned it to a soul till tonight. I dunno, by then time anybody gets to read this, I might have deleted that confession. Fear not, though, I promise that I will not be contemplating anything like that again.
(See? I warned you.)
ty.
7:55 AM
One of the things I really like about reading your blog is that (I hope) I can pass on some of the experience that my elder years have taught me. God knows when I was your age I could have done with someone like me!
My friend, the downs will come & they will go & they will come again.
Sometimes life is shit.
If we give in when life is shit then we'll never turn the next corner where life is exhilariting & incredible.
I think that you'd really benefit from talking to someone about your worries.
In a kind of Han Solo to Luke Skywalker way:
Hang in there kid. top
7:56 AM
...and look after your bloody I-pod!! top